Someone You Love Is Struggling: How To Support Them Through Grief or Depression

3 min read

"I don’t know what to say."

That’s what most of us feel when a friend stops replying, cancels everything, or tells us they lost someone.

In Nigeria, we’re really good at praying for people. We’re not always taught how to show up for them.

Whether it’s grief from loss, or depression that’s making it hard for them to get out of bed, your presence matters more than your perfect words.

Here’s how to actually support them.

Part 1: Understand What They’re Going Through

Grief is what happens after loss. A person, a job, a pregnancy, a dream.

It looks like: crying, numbness, anger, forgetting things, withdrawing.

It’s not linear. Good days and bad days.

Depression is a medical illness. It’s not "being sad" or "lazy".

It looks like: no energy, sleeping too much or too little, no interest in things they loved, feeling worthless, thinking "what’s the point".

It affects the brain. They can’t just "snap out of it."

Sometimes grief turns into depression. Sometimes they happen together.

Both feel like drowning. Your job isn’t to pull them out. It’s to sit in the water with them.

You want to learn and understand what depression is? Read our article on What is depression?

Part 2: 5 Things To Say + 5 Things To Never Say

Let’s start with what NOT to say. Even with good intentions, these hurt:

Don’t say:

1. "Be strong"

2. "God knows best" / "Everything happens for a reason"

3. "Others have it worse"

4. "Just think positive"

5. "Move on" / "You need to get over it"

Do say:

1. "I’m so sorry. This is really unfair."

2. "I don’t have the right words, but I’m here."

3. "Can I come sit with you? No talking needed."

4. "What’s been the hardest part today?"

5. "I’m checking in. No pressure to reply."

People don’t need you to fix it. They need to feel less alone in it.

Part 3: How To Help Practically — The Nigerian Way

Words are good. Action is better. Grief and depression make small tasks feel impossible.

Do this:

1. Food: "I’m dropping jollof at your door. You don’t have to see me." Depression kills appetite. Grief kills cooking.

2. Errands: Offer to pay bills, get drugs from pharmacy, run bank stuff.

3. Company: "Can I come watch a movie with you?" Silence together is support.

4. Check-ins: Text "thinking of you" with no expectation of reply.

5. Funeral/Support: Show up. Sit with family. Help with logistics. In Nigeria, community matters.

Don’t ask "What do you need?" They don’t know. Say "I’m bringing dinner Thursday. Is 6pm okay?"

Part 4: How To Bring Up Therapy Without Shame

This is the hard one in Nigeria. "Therapy" can sound like "you’re mad."

Here’s a script that works:

"Hey, I’ve been worried about you. What you’re going through is really heavy. I found 2 therapists who help people with grief/depression. Would it help if I sent you their info? I can even sit with you for the first session if you want."

Key points:

1. Normalize it: "Therapy is like seeing a doctor, but for your mind."

2. Make it easy: Send links. Help them book. Offer to pay the first session.

3. No pressure: "It’s okay if you’re not ready. I just want you to know it’s an option."

Red flags to watch for: talking about death, giving away things, saying "everyone would be better off without me."

If you hear that, don’t leave them alone. Call MANI, NSPI, or go to A&E.

Part 5: Protect Yourself Too

Supporting someone is heavy. You will feel helpless. You will feel tired.

Boundaries are not selfish:

1. You can’t be their only support. Encourage other friends/family.

2. You can say: "I love you and I’m at capacity today. Can I check in tomorrow?"

3. Get your own support. Talk to a therapist or trusted friend.

You can love someone and still not pour from an empty cup.

When To Get Professional Help Now

Encourage them to see a doctor or therapist if:

- They haven’t eaten or slept in days

- They’re using alcohol/drugs to cope

- They talk about suicide or self-harm

- Grief hasn’t shifted at all after 6+ months and they can’t function

Therapy helps people process grief and treats depression. Medication can help too. It’s not a weakness.

You Don’t Have To Say The Right Thing

You just have to keep showing up.

Send the text. Drop the food. Sit in the silence.

That’s what healing looks like.

If you’re supporting someone right now and don’t know where to start, MindMed therapists can help you too. We offer sessions for caregivers and friends on how to support a loved one.

And if you are personally going through a period of grief our guide on how to deal with grief in Nigeria will be useful.

Book a Session or Chat With Us on WhatsApp From ₦7,000/session. 100% private.

You’re doing a good thing by caring.